I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
what day is it and did you see me today?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
