Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
