I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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