She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My ATM looks so different sober.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
