And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Randomize
