LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
