Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
