my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
