Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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