..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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