My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
