oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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