While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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