I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
