She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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