OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
