I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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