how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
