They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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