mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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