how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
