I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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