got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
