farters have to be the big spoon...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
