I got chris browned last night
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
