I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
