I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
