so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
