My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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