how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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