if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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