____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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