I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
