I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
