I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Randomize
