Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
