she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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