just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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