I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
