I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
