I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
