Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
