im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
