I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
