New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
