is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
