walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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