mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
