***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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