She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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