Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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