perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
