do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
