You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
