the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
