My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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