I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
